


no friend oh!

by indications



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 10:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indications/pseuds/indications
Summary: a chance you take is they deride your wicked heart/i'm by your side





	no friend oh!

**Author's Note:**

> look realistically naming every critical role fic i write after each song on _women as lovers_ consecutively with progressively less regard for whether a slice of a lyric can be taken out of context to vaguely relate to some aspect of said fic doesnt get any more ridiculous the longer it goes on because it was infinitely absurd to start with. moreover, and principally: wu-tang is for the children.

Vex’ahalia drops onto the bench beside him with an unselfconscious grunt, takes the nearly-cold coffee right out of his hands and sips it, wrinkles her nose, pushes it back into his hands, and half-stands to pour herself her own before she even gives him a “hello, brother” in greeting.

            Vax takes this in stride, not suspecting a thing, until she’s sat back down with a marginally-fresher cup between both hands and an expression on her face that sets alarm bells blaring in his head.

            “So,” she says, and the clamor rises in tempo in Vax’s brain ( _something is up, what’s going on_ ) “Why aren’t you fucking my husband?”

            He chokes on air, having already set his own cup down in front of him but not prepared, even with his twinly sixth sense, for that question.

            “ _What?_ ” he sputters, failing to regain his composure as Vex sips her lukewarm coffee with a calculated calm.

            “You heard what I asked. What’s your answer?”

            “I’m not answering that. It’s early-” He makes to rise, and she hits him perfectly counterpoint, her booted foot catching the back of his right knee. He drops back onto his ass before he can even stand. “It’s too early for this kind of talk. Where were you last night, when alcohol was an option?”

            “I’m just opening the floor,” she says sweetly, batting her eyelashes. “You’ll talk nonsense and flee to back corners till next week if you have to. But I’m far more stubborn than you’ll ever be, brother dear. You may as well answer me now.”

            “We are _not_ having this conversation,” he says firmly. “Not here, not now-” Among several feints, he puts his weight into a shift to his right, into her space, maybe throw her off balance- no, of course, she bumps him with her shoulder before he can duck away, and they jostle each other a minute before she scoots back, silently refusing to be distracted by a tussle. She swings her left leg half over the bench at an angle, facing him entirely. The coffee she abandons on the table.

            “We’ll have it eventually. Talk.”

            He sees she’s serious. Too serious.

            “I don’t want to.”

            “I don’t _care_ if you want-”

            “I don’t want to fuck your husband for you, Vex’ahalia.”

            This catches her just off-guard, and she sticks her lip out in a pout. “Vax. _Really?_ ”

            “Really.”

            “The _one_ thing I can’t do for him.”

            “That’s your problem.”

            “You’re already sleeping together. I don’t get it.”

            He grits his teeth and meets her head-on. Maybe he can’t win, here, but he can at least put up a fight. “Sister _dear_. I am the one who takes the dick. As you well know.”

            She mimes retching into her coffee, and then strikes back, “D’you make Keyleth do you, too?”

            “We are not talking about talking about what Keyleth and I do in the bedroom. Not ever.”

            She gives him a steely glare.

            “And if you must know-”     

            “All right!” she interrupts. “I don’t actually want to hear about it!”

            “Then why’d you _ask_ -”

            “I’m just saying! That if I’m going to share him with you you can at least do me a favor! Darling. You know I do not want to _ask_ you to. I just don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t.”

            “I’m not sure what the two of _you_ are like when you’re alone together,” Vax says carefully, “but that is not the dynamic between the two of us.”

            “You’re broody,” she says.

            “What’s that got to do with-”           

            “Oh, I’m sure the _sex_ is miserably brooding, as well-”

            “Why don’t you ask someone else to do it?”

            “Because _I_ want to do it. And I can’t. And you’re basically me, so just, will you just do it for me? Please?”

            “How about this. You assume that I did it, and we never talk about this again.”

            “How about you promise me you’re going to do it, and I’ll let you alone for now.”

            “How about I promise you I’ll do it,” he concedes, “and it never ever comes up ever again.”

            “Well. I’ll be checking in with Percy to make sure you’ve done it properly,” she says, inspecting her fingernails nonchalantly.

            Vax groans. “Please tell me Percival isn’t in on this.”

            “Now where would be the fun in that?”

            “There’s no fun in this at all.”

            “It’s a little fun,” she prods. “Come _on_ , Vax. Haven’t we always shared everything?”

            “Do not go any further with that line of thought.”

            “We had the same first crush on the same tutor who turned out to be an awful bore and we both-”

            “Vex’ahalia, I’m begging you.”

            “You remember that game we used to play? Where we’d swap around flirting with some poor soul and then come by on either side, both at once, and see how long it took them to run from the room in terror?”

            “For _coin_ , Vex, while you batted your eyelashes and I cut purse-strings-”

            “You batted your lashes quite charmingly, as I recall. I do believe I cut a few purse strings myself, sometimes…”

            “It wasn’t for _wooing_ that we – no. I’m not even arguing this with you. You won’t convince me of anything, I’m nearly done hearing of it-“

            “You’ll have to quit being squeamish some time, brother. You’re loose enough about everything else.”

            “ _Vex’ahalia_ ,” he says, through gritted teeth.

            She beams at him. “Just imagine poor Percy with me on one arm and you on the other. Especially if we matched our outfits like we used to do. We could each wear one of my feathers…”

            He just looks at her. Folds his arms across his chest.

            “I’ll plait your hair for you, dear, I know no one else ever braids it properly and just _think_ how terribly flustered he’ll be.”

            “I may as well wear one of your dresses,” he says flatly.

            “Get him back for the City of Brass?”

            “We’re past that,” he grits out, still unable to recall it without feeling nauseous.

            “Fine. I suppose if you want to be sour forever.” She makes to rise. He lets her. “I’ll just see about having him make me that strap-on cock.”

            “ _Never say those words to me ever again,_ ” Vax says, horribly conflicted suddenly, the image of Percy facedown and biting a pillow quite appealing (if incongruous – does he ever relax long enough to get a finger in, even? What does he do with the stick up his arse if he’s-) but against the image of his _sister_ with a – no. Nope. No.

            “Shame,” Vex says merrily. “You’re missing out on quite a lot, incidentally, with your ‘Percy only fucks me and that’s just that,’ he’s a needy little crybaby if you get him in the right mood.”

            “I’m not listening,” Vax says, sticking his fingers in his ears and his tongue out of his mouth.

            Not raising her voice – lowering it, in fact, and Vax is ashamed that he does listen, just enough to hear her say, “All that pompous, controlling exterior – I’m sure you know yourself, darling, but he is just a _treasure_ when you’ve stripped it off of him.”

            Vax takes one finger out of his ear, just slightly.

            Vex’s _I-won_ face, which has been firmly in place for a solid minute, transforms into pure delight. “He _begs_ , you know.”

            “…No, he doesn’t.”

            “He probably wouldn’t for you,” she concedes, “But I’ve made him do it for Keyleth. Maybe have her show you sometime?”

            “…is Keyleth fucking him?”

            She looks truly shocked at that. “Do you not _know_?”

            “No, it’s – I know they’re having sex, just – unlike _some_ , I’m perfectly content letting others keep their bedrooms private. I was – in the colloquial sense. Does she-” Against his own will and good sense, he drops his voice as the question comes out unbidden, “Does Percy really take it in the ass?”

            “Why don’t you ask him?” she says, and she fucking winks at him.

            His breakfast barely stays down after that.

 


End file.
